Howdy Cara;
I
wish you would re-write this paragraph for me. I struggle each time I come to it as a matter of fact. But can never find the
words to improve it. I like the first sentence, even the second and third seem good to my untrained eye...I think I like the
last sentence too. The next to last sentence really bugs me, I think it's the at least twenty thing, but how do I
convey the thought they were overwhelmed?
Thanks-Dutch
"They were the last words Corporal Smith spoke. An arrow
struck him in the heart! Every man there heard (although this isn't technically passive, you, get the point) the swish of
the flying arrow and the slap when it plunged into their Corporal's chest...and the sudden gasp from the Corporal as he toppled
over backwards. The troopers were suddenly surrounded in the bottom of the ravine by at least twenty renegades descending
on them, shooting arrows and rifles, screeching, howling and screaming loud war-whoops. The Indians galloped their ponies
straight for them, closing their circle tight as a hangman's noose."
Dutch--
I'm not going to re-write this for you just yet. The problem is that you wrote the paragraph
in a passive voice, instead of an active voice. Look at the italicized areas below.
"Every man there heard the swish..."
"...the sudden gasp from the Corporal as he toppled..."
"The troopers were suddenly surrounded in the bottom of
the ravine..."
Don't tell me what someone heard. Tell me what
the arrow did, and how it sounded AS IT DID IT. Is the gasp more important than the topple? 'As,' 'while,' and 'with' usually
imply a secondary role in your sentence. Don't tell me what was happening to the troopers. Tell me what the renegades were
doing to them. Do you see the difference? And one more thing: your last two sentences don't gel, unless the renegades and
the Indians are two separate groups. If it's one group, you can't have the Indians galloping straight for them, if you already
have the troopers surrounded. Give this another try, from the active voice. Also: at least twenty--swarm, mass, horde?
--Cara
SECOND IM
Cara--
Now this
is in the next paragraph-Pretty awful as well, and I'm equally mired. I suppose I could say, --managed to yank free from
their riders' hands. And assume the reader would know the men had hold of the reins?
"Their horses screamed in pain and terror and reared high, dragging the troopers this way and that,
until they all managed to yank their reins from their rider's hands."
--Dutch
Dutch--
The reader should know that the troopers were holding the reins. But I would advise
you to mention that these are the troopers' horses, because your previous sentence is talking about the Indians' ponies. How
about something like:
'With screams of pain and terror,
the (military?) horses reared high, dragging the troopers this way and that, yanking the reins from their hands.'
Hope this helped, Dutch. Good luck!
--Cara
LATER IM
Howdy Cara;
You
really set me straight, I only hope I got it. Took an hour and a half!!
Thanks again--Dutch
"Those
were the last words Corporal Smith spoke.
An arrow hissed by
the Private's cheek then smacked its meaty thump as it plunged into the Corporal's chest, sending him toppling back. The Corporal
let go a gurgled gasp as he fell, and with dead eyes, stared up at the young Private.
A horde of renegades on painted war ponies surrounded the troopers and drove them to the deepest crevice
of the ravine. Firing their rifles and bows, they closed their circle tighter and tighter, howling blood-curdling war whoops
as they dashed their ponies toward the faces of the terrified and confused troopers.
With screams of pain and fear, the cavalry horses reared high, dragging the troopers this way and that,
finally yanking the reins from their hands."
Used with the author's permission
